Kaye’s Inner Mind

I have always had an ideal partner in my mind. First and foremost, he should be
God-fearing, but I don’t wish for a saint, just a person who acknowledges his
Creator. He should be at least
financially secure, a stable job will do. He should love his own family, I mean his parents and his siblings, ‘coz
my family is very important to me too. In that way, I know how he would value the family we would have in the
future. He should be understanding and
thoughtful. He should know to throw a
joke here and there, but still has a serious side within him. He should respect me as a woman and trusts
me as a partner, but letting me move in my own world as I will let him move in
his own world too. He should know how
to treat each obstacle in our lives as a good learning experience as these
problems are the very same foundation of a stronger and binding relationship.

But come to think of it, I don’t usually end up with this
“ideal partner” thingy. I have realized
that when you love a person, all your ideals will no longer exist, it
won’t matter anymore because you already have loved this person for who he is
and have learned to accept his past, present and future as well.

So what is love without acceptance? Then it is not called
love.

kbk/081106

This past few weeks have been a rollercoaster ride for me.  There are times when I think I already have found the happiness i have been looking for but there are times that i ask myself, did i really or i am just imagining things again? It is all about right timing.  Patience i told myself, patience!!!

I also realized a lot of things from what is happening around me.  What is love without trust?  Is it all just about sex? Is it all just about lust?  Is it all just about companionship?  Is it all just about security?  Is it all just about being with someone you really love but waking up each morning wondering if you can trust this person or not?

I asked myself, can i do that? Can i be with someone whom i cannot trust 100%? i dont think so…no matter how i love him, no matter how i would want to be with him and spend the rest of my life with him, still it boils into one thing, i would want to trust this person as he would to me.  i believe i deserve that trust because if i love somebody, i give my whole self, my whole being, my whole existence.  i am not a jealous person, i don’t tell my partner don’t do this, don’t do that, i believe in the existence of three worlds, his world, my world and our world.  As long as i know that i can trust him, wherever he is, whatever he does, that is all what matters.

So can i love somebody whom i cannot trust??? i don’t think so…i don’t think so.

kbk/08/03/06

FLYING WITHOUT WINGS

Everybody’s looking for a something
One thing that makes it all complete
You’ll find it in the strangest places
Places you never knew it could be
Some find it in the face of their children
Some find it in their lover’s eyes
Who can deny the joy it brings
When you’ve found that special thing
You’re flying without wings

Some find it sharing every morning
Some in their solitary lives
You’ll find it in the words of others
A simple line can make you laugh or cry

You’ll find it in the deepest friendship
The kind you cherish all your life
And when you know how much it means
You’ve found that special thing
You’re flying without wings

So impossible as it may seem
You’ve got to fight for every dream
Cos who’s to know which one you let go
Would have made you complete

Well, for me it’s waking up beside you
To watch the sunrise on your face
To know that I can say I love you
In any given time or place

It’s little things that only I know
Those are the things that make you mine
And it’s like flying without wings
Cos you’re my special thing
I’m flying without wings

And in this place I long to be
You’ll be where it ends
I’m flying without wings
And that’s the joy you bring
I’m flying without wings
   
   

Happiness have I found you?  I don’t know.

I have been a good daughter, a good sister and a good friend.  In my 32 years of existence, I have always tried not to step on someone’s shoes, tried to please everybody, did everything I could for a friend, loved and failed and then loved and failed again.  The heartache goes on and on and on.

I don’t yearn too much, just a simple life I always say.  Having my family around and friends make them even more perfect.  But who am I not to yearn for more?  Who am I not to hope that someday I would find the happiness that I have been longing for.  Who am I not to wish that I can be happy like anybody else?  Isn’t that hard to ask?  Tell me.

Funny, a friend told me just now that I look good in my new pictures. Just playing with my phone, I told her.  And then I took a look at one picture, my eyes glisten, my hair shine, my lips smile, I look thin (eventhough I am fat, hehe), but then again I said to myself, it is just a picture.  A picture that has no meaning.  Glistening eyes, does that mean I am inlove?  Shiny hair, does that mean I am inspired?  Smiling lips, does that mean I am happy?  I don’t know….all is just a big facade, an epitome of what I want to be.

So if anybody asks me if I have found that happiness yet….I hope so, i hope so, but…..only time can tell.

kbk/07/23/06

This is the place where I sit

This is the part where I love you too much

This is as hard as it gets

Cause I’m getting tired of pretending I’m tough

I’m here if you want me

I’m yours, you can hold me

I’m empty and achin’

And tumblin’ and breakin’

Cause you don’t see me

And you don’t need me

And you don’t love me

The way I wish you would

The way I know you could

I dream a world where you understand

That I dream a million sleepless nights

Well I dream a fire when you’re touching my hand

But it twists into smoke when I turn on the lights

I’m speechless and faded

It’s too complicated

Is this how the book ends,

Nothing but good friends?

Cause you don’t see me

And you don’t need me

And you don’t love me

The way I wish you would

The way I wish you would

This is the place in my heart

This is the place where I’m falling apart

Isn’t this just where we met

And is this the last chance that I’ll ever get

I wish I was lonely

Instead of just only

Crystal and see-through

And not enough to you

Cause you don’t see me

And you don’t need me

And you don’t love me

The way I wish you would

Cause you don’t see me

And you don’t need me

And you don’t love me

The way I wish you would

The way I know you could

I have always believed in love. I have always believed that when you are in love, you are happy,
your eyes glisten, your smile is never ending, you laugh without any reason,
you are like a flower that blossoms every day, every day a new petal, a new
leaf, a new day with the one you love, a new memory that will always linger in
your mind even when you are asleep.

But then again, on the other side of the coin, what is love
without pain? What is love without sacrifice? What is love without tears? What
is love without giving and not expecting something in return? What is love
without hurting, knowing that you can never have the one you love? What is love
without sleepless nights, hoping that someday you will be with the one you love,
embracing you in the middle of the night, cuddling you when you are afraid,
just the mere smell of his breath makes you feel that everything will be
alright as long as you are with him by his side, all day, all night.

Up to this day, I don’t know what really love is. All I know is that you can experience love
without pain, but how can you call it love if you haven’t experienced any pain
at all….

kbk/050806

March 18, 2006 was Elena’s bday celeb but her bday was really last March 2.  How time runs so fast.  Elena is already one year old.  I remember when I first held her in the hospital, she was so tiny, so fragile.  I was so afraid I would drop her or something like that.  When I first gave her a bath I was so scared too because I can feel if I don’t hold her the right way she could just easily slip away from my grasp.  Ohhh those were the days….but now she already can walk.  I can’t leave her anymore in one room because she can’t stay put nowadays.

I must admit, when she was blowing her candle yesterday, I got teary eyed.  I was so happy inside, now that my baby is one year old.  Well yes, biologically, she is not my own, but I consider her as my own already.  Gosh!!!! I should not dwell in this because I know this emotion will be a big hindrance for me by the time I leave this place.

We had fun though, the filipina girls and with one new chinese friend.  We all spent the day eating and yacking!!!!!  So what else do you expect!! hahahahaha!!!! If not for the children’s presence in the party that could have even been called an adult party because the house was more filled with adults than the little ones.

Well anyway, Elena, I can’t pull back time anymore.  You are growing so fast.  I just hope and pray you grow up to be a God-fearing child and a humble-hearted angel.  I love you Elena…I love you as my own.

A Little Bit of Me!

Thanks for Maricel, if not for her gesture of giving me chocolates with a teddy bear, I wouldn’t realize that it is Valentine’s Day tomorrow, hehehe!!!! It has been years since I last celebrated V-Day.  I had a relationship then and I can remember that eventhough it was just a simple letter printed from his own pc, still I cherished that because it was done with a personal touch and shall I say a labor of love (back then).  Hey, just remembered that, no meaning to that.  (He is happy now with his own family.)  So quit laughing there!!!

Funny how V-Day has its effect on people.  Others celebrate it in a big bang, romantic evening in a restaurant and maybe a movie after.  Others celebrate it by watching Valentine concerts with their partners.  Others celebrate it, well, you know how…But for me, it is just an ordinary day.  Nothing special.  Nothing extraordinary either.  I will just wake up tomorrow late coz it’s my day off, lying down in my sofa all day, watching tv, surfing the net, so lazy, so bored, nothing to do…

In the back of my mind, I still hope that I get to spend Valentine’s Day with a special someone someday.  Just a walk in the beach and staying there til the sun sets will surely make my day.  I am not more into flowers or chocolates, it’s too expensive!  Just a simple gesture will do coz it is never hard to please me.

But for now, V-Day is just an ordinary day, nothing to celebrate, nothing to dwell upon….

I have always thought that you can buy happiness just around the corner.  It has been eight years and until now I haven’t found that happiness.  My life was routinary after graduation, worked my ass out because of overtimes in the office, went out with my friends from time to time…that made me happy, yes, but still this is not the happiness I have been looking for.

Then I was given the chance to go to Canada.  I thought maybe sailing a thousand miles and living in a place I have never been before will give me the happiness.  Met friends here, went out if I can, able to support my family even more than before, but still this is not the happiness I have been looking for.

One person is giving me happiness.  Happiness that I have never felt for so long (after my college days).  Gave me importance.  Gave me strength to go on.  Gave me smiles that I thought I can never have again.  Gave me the reason why I should hope that someday I might find the happiness I have been looking for.  But what we have is all but fantasy, all but temporary, all not within my grasp, all beyond my control, all is just a dream, all is wishful thinking for it to stay forever……I know this will never happen.

I have been struggling, almost dragging my feet to stand up once again.  To try to convince myself that "Hey, you will be happy.  Just wait.  Just give it time.  It will come."  But who am I fooling??? No one knows.  Only God knows when.

So who can blame me if I wanna stay with this happiness that I have for now?  Who can accuse me of things that I shouldn’t do or should do? Can they give me the happiness I have been looking for??? As for now, I am holding on…keeping this happiness as long as I can….as long as it still makes me smile…makes me breathe….makes me hope that someday I will find the happiness I have been looking for.