Kaye’s Inner Mind

I am hurt, regretful of what i did, wishing that i shouldn’t have reacted that way, wishing that i shouldn’t have taken it seriously and just enjoyed the moment, wishing that i just took the chance to be happy once again, but it is too late now.  I have said too much already.  The damage has been done and I am afraid I cannot take it back anymore.

Why do I always do this to myself?  Why do I tend to scare away the people who I care for and might care for me?  Why do I do too much when I could have done it less.  Why did I overreact when I didn’t have too?  Why did I blew it out of the water even though it was just a petty thing?

If only you can read my blog entries (I don’t know if you do) you will know how regretful I am.  How I wish I could take back everything that I have said and just go with the flow with whatever this is, but I guess I have no face to write you anymore.  I have no face to tell you that I still have feelings for you.  I have no face to tell you that I am willing to take this chance wherever this may lead.  I have no face to tell you how I wish we could start all over again.

For the one who got away, I am so sorry….

I thought I have moved on. I thought it was okay for us to
be friends again, but the truth is, it is not. I still have feelings for him and he told me he still has feelings for
me too but then again he has no time for me or having a relationship for that
matter.

Sometimes I think maybe it is my fault? Why can’t I just
loosen up and not take things seriously? Why can’t I just easily adapt to the
so-called “Canadian dating scenario?” Why can’t I just have a good time with the guy I like and don’t expect
too much? But then again, knowing
myself I know if I reach that certain emotional level with somebody, I would be
crushed knowing that we cannot be more than friends.

I don’t know what to do right now. I am hurt. I am sad. I am bewildered. I would want to take back all the things that I have said and
just meet him and have fun. But at the
back of my mind I am thinking, can I handle the pain, the hurt, the thought of
not seeing him once again?

Why does it have to be so hard? Tell me.

I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it.  For those who know me well, you will know why.

http://www.esnips.com/doc/050a73a0-f04a-4224-b90b-377c31ce05c2/Panky-Trinidad–Cha-Fonacier–Behind-those-eyes

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Behind Those Eyes
Panky Trinidad & Chai Fonacier

The shadow lies a bit too long across my path
And it bleeds too much on blue grey gutters and fireflies
Black and cold into my shoes turn my skin blue
A little spider crawling out to weave around my heart in moonlight wind

CHORUS
And when you see my eyes, does your heart receive these words in mine
And when you close your eyes, do you see me in these dreams I hide
If I could steal one thing, I would grab your heart and make it mine
For your heart

INTERLUDE

Little thoughts and feelings found behind those eyes
I refuse to know the truth, to know the reason why you and I can never be
I try to build a wall, try to heal the hurt inside
But it pains me even more to know that it’s too late, that I’m too late

[Repeat CHORUS except last line]

Your heart

BRIDGE
‘Cause I can’t see your face every time I gaze those skies when I cry
Doesn’t feel so right but you can never be mine

[Repeat CHORUS except last line]

Make it mine
Does your heart receive these words in mine
Do you see me in these dreams I hide
I would grab your heart and make it mine
I would grab your heart and make it mine

It has been 2 years and 3 months since I came here in
Canada. It was my ultimate dream to
leave my home country and go abroad so as to search for greener pastures. As they say, not all Filipinos have the
chance going here or in the U.S. so I guess I am one of the lucky ones and I
know a lot of people back home want to exchange places with me. But after everything that has happened to me
here, I think I might want to exchange places with them instead.

Don’t get me wrong though, I will be always thankful to the
Lord because I know if not for His unending grace I wouldn’t be here. But what I am trying to say, up to this
moment I don’t know His real reason for sending me here. I don’t want to elaborate on the details but
I have had problems here that I haven’t had encountered back home. I must admit
being able to surpass all these problems have made me a stronger person than I
was but sometimes when all of these seem to be never ending, it makes me regret
coming here. It makes me think that
even though I don’t earn as much back home, still I was more happier being
there than here.

I am sorry for feeling that way, but at this point in my
life I can say I am in my lowest. I
don’t know how and when I can stand up and say I am willing to face my life
with hardships again. As of the moment,
I feel drained, I feel hurt, I feel a big empty space in my life, no direction,
no reason, no hope. I feel that even
though I have done so much still everything is not enough to make me happy.

So did I make the right choice in coming here? The answer to that question…I still don’t
know.

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Now it is final…everything was over last night…a thing that haven’t even started to bloom yet.  It was a choice between career and personal life and obviously the personal life (pertaining somehow to me maybe) was not his choice.  It was a time-and-distance problem, a problem that most dating couples, marriage couples, family members and friends encounter in some point of their lives.  Funny thing is that eventhough it hurts, I understood.  Maybe if I was in his shoes I would have done the same thing, choosing career I mean.  But the only difference is that, I can keep the career and fight for the personal life as well.  I will find time for that, no matter what and how it costs because if that person is that important to me then nothing and no one can stop me.

I must admit I cried, a thing that I haven’t done for so long now.  Everything came back to me last night.  All the heartbreaks that I have been through.  All the frustrations that I had in my life.  It seems to me that eversince I got here in Canada, I have never been absolutely happy.  I always keep a happy facade when in fact I am sad and lonely inside.  Last night it came to me that Nova Scotia is not the place for me.  I will see to it that once I finish my contract next year I am out of here.  I will not stop looking for that happiness because I know it will come my way somehow, somewhere.

To you, thanks for the time, for the chance, for the smile that you have given me for awhile.  I will always treasure that night that we went out . You just don’t know how happy I was because you never ceased to make me laugh.  Good luck to your career and personal life as well.  My prayers to you.

I need time now…to heal…to reflect…to regain that strength back…to replenish my capability in liking someone again…some good things never last.

It is exactly a week now after i met this wonderful guy.  That night was, I can say, one of the coolest night in my life.  I have gotten the courage to meet this guy in person not knowing what will happen after.  I know most of you will ask if I wasn’t scared at all because I am meeting a total stranger.  Well of course I was scared at first, but I know nothing bad will happen to me.  And one thing, whatever the outcome is at least I won’t live my life asking myself "what if".

I had a wonderful night actually.  Even though it didn’t take that long, I spent the whole night laughing my heart out.  We just went out for coffee and then just drove around town and talked.  He is a very funny guy.  I mean you know there will never be any dull moment with him.  He knows his priorities in life, a family-oriented person and responsible.  He was a teacher before so I know he loves kids too like me.  And oh i forgot, he is cute too, hehehe!!!

I came home with a smile in my face, still smiling eventhough I was already asleep, still smiling the next day when I woke up.  It was a feeling that I haven’t felt for so long.  But then, (well i don’t want to elaborate more on that), I made a mistake a couple of days ago.  Let us just say I said something in one of my emails that really hurt him.  He said he felt insulted.  I did apologize, thrice thru emails coz I don’t know his contact number.  It was never my intention to make him feel that way.  Maybe if I would have told him "that" in person rather than thru email, he would have taken it differently.  Oh well, what can I do?!   

If only I can turn back time, I wouldn’t have written what I have written.  I would have taken my time.  I would have told myself that this guy is not a Filipino, he is Canadian; and of course, we have cultural differences that I know would need a lot of adjsutment and understanding, not only on my part but on his part too.  But I guess it is too late for that now.

I really want to see him again, to tell him face to face that I didn’t mean to hurt him at all, but the fact that he hasn’t talked to me eversince that happened only means that it is over.  It is over.

If only i can turn back time…

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I have told myself a long time ago that when I love again, I
would make sure that I wouldn’t get hurt in the end, but after all I have been
through in life I know this is beyond possibility.  When you love
somebody, eventually, one way or the other, you will get hurt.  Because
when you love, you give everything you’ve got.  You love them without
boundaries.  You love them eventhough you know that they can’t love you
back the same way you do, just the thought of loving them is more than enough
for you.  You love them and accept them for who they are.  You
sometimes ignore their weaknesses because for you they are
"perfect."  You build these dreams in your head, thinking how
wonderful it would be if this love would last a lifetime. 

Yeah, I fell in love again, for the nth time (oh well actually 5th time on my
counting but not necessarily having them as my bf’s), hehehehe!!!! And it is so
stupid of me to think that somehow maybe this guy felt the same way too, that
this guy is the one I am waiting for for so long, that maybe this guy is who I
am meant to spend the rest of my life with.  But oh well, i guess it is
not meant to be after all and there is a reason why this happened or at least
that is what I want to think just to ease the pain a bit.  I am just a friend
and that is the way it should be.

So here I am trying to forget….again!!!!

I just hope and pray, deep in my heart, that there is somebody out there
waiting for me, sharing the same views in life, having the same laughter,
crying the same sorrow, breathing the same air, and listening to the same
music.

I will be waiting…even if it takes forever…

P.S.
To RH, EB, PE, RA and VL, thanks for giving me the chance of loving you in my
own little way.

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Nothing much to say….feeling numb…my mind isn’t working anymore…my heart stopped beating…but palpitating never stops..trying to hold the tears but it comes pouring down…non-stop…the pain is draining me…taking out the life that is left of me…

I AM ACHING…HURTING…WHEN WILL THIS EVER END???!!!

(to you B, hope you find the happiness that you have been looking for)

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I must admit, these past couple of days was one of my lowest
days. I had these feelings that I wish
I didn’t have. I even wished that I
could literally cut off my hypothalamus so that I cannot feel anything
anymore. It came to a point that I want
to kick a friend out of my life. But
when I woke up this morning, everything changed. I woke up with a smile in my face knowing what I really want in
my life.

It was not a long time ago when some of my friends and my
dear cousin Leth told me that being happy is not just being with a
partner. You have to love yourself
first before even loving somebody else. If a partner comes along, then it is your bonus. But to sum it all up, happiness comes from
within yourself and not from anybody else.

So maybe that is the reason why I woke up with a smile on my
face this morning. I have realized that
friendship is more important to me than love. Don’t get me wrong though, it would be great to have a partner in my
life right now because it sucks being lonely. What I am trying to say is that friendship tends to last longer than
love because most of the time love doesn’t end the way you want it to be. So for now, having friends by my side is
more than enough for me.

So to you, my REAL FRIENDS (you know who you are), thank you
so much for putting up with me. I hope
our friendship will last forever, and when the time comes that I find my
partner or my partner finds me, you will still be there with me to share the
moments.

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Why do we love, then fail in the end? Hmmm..good question isn’t it?  Well I don’t know the answer either.  All I know is that when you love, you don’t want it to fail.  You do everything you can to make the relationship work.  You give everything, your emotions, your well-being.  You forget your ideals.  You even forget yourself for awhile because you begin to do things that normally you would not do.  You give everything to the one you love without questions, without asking something in return…that is what I call real love.

But then when you fail, you begin to think…Was it all worth it? Did I do the right thing? Did I choose the right person? Wasn’t I good enough?  Wasn’t he/she good enough?  Did I love him/her too much or did I love him/her less?  Did I really love him/her?

We won’t know the answers or maybe we don’t want to know the answers.  All we know is that when we love, we give everything.  That is why when we fail, there should be no regrets, just lessons learned.  Lessons that will linger on our mind and hearts.  Lessons that will make us strong.  Lessons that will give us the strength to go on with our lives.  Lessons that will lead us the way.  Lessons that will keep us going…searching for our "one true love".

To you my friends (you know who you are), just hold on…don’t give up on love…love might just be around the corner…and always remember everything happens for a reason…if it is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be…but if it is meant to be, love will find its way back…

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