Kaye’s Inner Mind

It has been 2 years and 3 months since I came here in
Canada. It was my ultimate dream to
leave my home country and go abroad so as to search for greener pastures. As they say, not all Filipinos have the
chance going here or in the U.S. so I guess I am one of the lucky ones and I
know a lot of people back home want to exchange places with me. But after everything that has happened to me
here, I think I might want to exchange places with them instead.

Don’t get me wrong though, I will be always thankful to the
Lord because I know if not for His unending grace I wouldn’t be here. But what I am trying to say, up to this
moment I don’t know His real reason for sending me here. I don’t want to elaborate on the details but
I have had problems here that I haven’t had encountered back home. I must admit
being able to surpass all these problems have made me a stronger person than I
was but sometimes when all of these seem to be never ending, it makes me regret
coming here. It makes me think that
even though I don’t earn as much back home, still I was more happier being
there than here.

I am sorry for feeling that way, but at this point in my
life I can say I am in my lowest. I
don’t know how and when I can stand up and say I am willing to face my life
with hardships again. As of the moment,
I feel drained, I feel hurt, I feel a big empty space in my life, no direction,
no reason, no hope. I feel that even
though I have done so much still everything is not enough to make me happy.

So did I make the right choice in coming here? The answer to that question…I still don’t
know.

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Now it is final…everything was over last night…a thing that haven’t even started to bloom yet.  It was a choice between career and personal life and obviously the personal life (pertaining somehow to me maybe) was not his choice.  It was a time-and-distance problem, a problem that most dating couples, marriage couples, family members and friends encounter in some point of their lives.  Funny thing is that eventhough it hurts, I understood.  Maybe if I was in his shoes I would have done the same thing, choosing career I mean.  But the only difference is that, I can keep the career and fight for the personal life as well.  I will find time for that, no matter what and how it costs because if that person is that important to me then nothing and no one can stop me.

I must admit I cried, a thing that I haven’t done for so long now.  Everything came back to me last night.  All the heartbreaks that I have been through.  All the frustrations that I had in my life.  It seems to me that eversince I got here in Canada, I have never been absolutely happy.  I always keep a happy facade when in fact I am sad and lonely inside.  Last night it came to me that Nova Scotia is not the place for me.  I will see to it that once I finish my contract next year I am out of here.  I will not stop looking for that happiness because I know it will come my way somehow, somewhere.

To you, thanks for the time, for the chance, for the smile that you have given me for awhile.  I will always treasure that night that we went out . You just don’t know how happy I was because you never ceased to make me laugh.  Good luck to your career and personal life as well.  My prayers to you.

I need time now…to heal…to reflect…to regain that strength back…to replenish my capability in liking someone again…some good things never last.

It is exactly a week now after i met this wonderful guy.  That night was, I can say, one of the coolest night in my life.  I have gotten the courage to meet this guy in person not knowing what will happen after.  I know most of you will ask if I wasn’t scared at all because I am meeting a total stranger.  Well of course I was scared at first, but I know nothing bad will happen to me.  And one thing, whatever the outcome is at least I won’t live my life asking myself "what if".

I had a wonderful night actually.  Even though it didn’t take that long, I spent the whole night laughing my heart out.  We just went out for coffee and then just drove around town and talked.  He is a very funny guy.  I mean you know there will never be any dull moment with him.  He knows his priorities in life, a family-oriented person and responsible.  He was a teacher before so I know he loves kids too like me.  And oh i forgot, he is cute too, hehehe!!!

I came home with a smile in my face, still smiling eventhough I was already asleep, still smiling the next day when I woke up.  It was a feeling that I haven’t felt for so long.  But then, (well i don’t want to elaborate more on that), I made a mistake a couple of days ago.  Let us just say I said something in one of my emails that really hurt him.  He said he felt insulted.  I did apologize, thrice thru emails coz I don’t know his contact number.  It was never my intention to make him feel that way.  Maybe if I would have told him "that" in person rather than thru email, he would have taken it differently.  Oh well, what can I do?!   

If only I can turn back time, I wouldn’t have written what I have written.  I would have taken my time.  I would have told myself that this guy is not a Filipino, he is Canadian; and of course, we have cultural differences that I know would need a lot of adjsutment and understanding, not only on my part but on his part too.  But I guess it is too late for that now.

I really want to see him again, to tell him face to face that I didn’t mean to hurt him at all, but the fact that he hasn’t talked to me eversince that happened only means that it is over.  It is over.

If only i can turn back time…

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