Kaye’s Inner Mind

May 14, 2005
9:00 a.m.

Have you ever so felt bored in your life? You have your family and yet you feel so alone.  You have your friends and yet you feel lonely.  Sometimes you just stay dumbfounded, staring at an open space, as if you are thinking about something but the truth is you are not thinking of anything.  Your mind is filled up with emptiness.  You have been this for awhile now, don’t know what to do to fill that empty space.  You tried focussing on your so-called career as a PT but just finding out of all the costs-to-be in the  future pisses you off.  Even trying to study or read your PT books doesn’t interest you anymore.  What is happening to yourself? Do you know?

Now you are trying to forget someone that you have loved before, but the more you force yourself, the more it is difficult for you to do so.  You must admit that you are still crying everytime you think of him, it seems that everything happened yesterday.  You want everything to be back as before, but you know that will never happen.  It will never happen in this lifetime anyway.  Your friends don’t understand you why you fell in love with this person, but he’s right, no matter what your friends say, still they can’t understand why because they did not feel the happiness you felt.  They can never understand, never.  No matter how you explain it, they would always say that this love can never exist.  They are right.  This love can never exist!  But no matter where I put it, still one thing remains, what I felt was real and nobody can take that away from me….nobody!!!!!!!!

May 8, 2004
8:37 a.m.

Why do I have to wake up so early??!!! This is my dayoff and yet my biological clock has been automatically set to wake me up at exactly 6:00 a.m.!!!!Darn!! Well it’s not so nice outside, 6 degrees, wind gusting, raining a little bit.  Well at least I still like this better than the snow.  Yes yes! I hate snow already.  I only have been with the snow one season and yet I hate it!!!  Before I used to like it, I mean,of course I do, because back in the Phils I only see it in TV.  But when I got tired of shoveling the snow and getting buckled up so that I wont get so cold outside, I began to hate the snow.  Now that it is spring and summer is fast approaching, I am so excited.  I even told a friend that I wish it would be summer all day here in Canada, but she said, if that happens, we don’t have anything to look for again next time, which is right.  So okay, I might as well accept the fact that Canada has four seasons, not mentioning we have six time zones here.

A friend called me up, we are going to Moncton today, 2-hour drive from my place.  Her husband and son are going to a hockey game, and me and Cora are going to, where else, the mall!!!!! I was planning of staying home the whole day because for a fact I cannot go out and walk because it is raining, but I guess it wouldn’t kill me either if I will go out with a friend.  Besides, I need this break!!!! Boredom will kill me!!!

It’s Mother’s Day today here.  I texted my mom last night (thanks to chikka.com) and I greeted her.  I planned of calling her, but I ran out of call cards already.  I got teary eyed last night.  I miss my mom so much now that am alone here in Canada.  I mean I have my friends here, but alone in the sense that I don’t have any kin here.  I miss the days that my mom and I would cuddle in our sofa watching TV.  Yes, I know am old na, but my mom and I are very close and sweet to each other, I was brought up that way.  I miss it when she always "makes sermon" and we end up fighting, but then again either me or her will say sorry and then everything will be okay again.  I miss the time when she cooks delicious food, our mothers are really the best cooks huh!? And of course I miss the time when we hug for no reason at all.  Now, I cannot do all these things because we are millions of  miles apart.  There is never a day that I do not think of her.  Sometimes I even try not to think about her anymore because it will surely make me cry.  It has been 30 years that I grew up with my mom, and now am starting to have a life here on my own.  It sucks at times, especially when sadness and loneliness engulfs me, but I know I can do this.  Besides, it’s every mother’s dream that their children succeed in their own little way.

"So Mama, this is for you.  I am doing this especially for you.  I will do everything I can so that you can be proud of me.  I will surpass all the hardships, loneliness and trials that will come my way.  Your love for me will be my strength.  I hope I can go home soon and give you real hugs and kisses once more.  I love you mama, everyday of my life."